Get on the Bus

The following was an e-mail I wrote to a group of friends (about 30 in the yahoogroup). A couple of friends had been sharing exciting bus adventures they had. I decided to turn it up a notch. It makes me laugh…

Sent 8/19/05:
Dude, that's nothing compared to my ride on the bus last week.

It was after dark last Tuesday and I was trying to hop the number 27. Instead the 666 rolled up. I usually don't like riding the 666, but I was already late for dinner with Liz, and I needed to hurry.

Bad call.

The driver was a sweet old lady. I mean old. She was 100 if she was a day. I showed her my bus pass which I'm sure she couldn't see through her cataracts. It hurt MY eyes just to watch her blink. I turned to find a seat and nearly crapped my pants. On the left side of the bus, Ninjas. On the right, Pirates. Shit! This is why I don't take the 666. These two natural enemies...in one spot...this couldn't end well. The way they were eyeing each other...something was going to go down

At the time I didn't stop think about how odd the situation was, but looking back it doesn't make sense. Ninjas usually are very stealthy, arriving somewhere on a bus doesn't seem to be the best way to get the drop on some one. For a pirate, a bus just seems to land locked. Like I said though, my mind was on surviving.

I took a seat next to a crusty looking pirate who was past out drunk. The jug in his lap was a dead give away. The iPod he was listening to was so loud I could hear the sea chanteys. After about a block, I realized he wasn't passed out. He was dead. The throwing star in his neck was what tipped me off. At this point I decided to call Liz and tell her I would be late.

Then it happened.

The driver died. She slumped forward on the steering wheel and leaned on the accelerator.

So there I was. Sitting on an out of control bus, next to a dead guy, and in between a Ninja Pirate stand off. I thought about jumping up and taking the wheel. Then I remembered the first rule of Ninja Pirate stand offs.... don’t take the wheel. It's like blood in the water for sharks.

Anyway,we all sat there, motionless, staring each other down. Yes, I admit it, I joined the stare down. I thought about reading the paper, but I decided I didn't want to stand out. I picked a smaller looking Ninja who was missing an arm...seemed like a safe bet.

I don't know who struck first. I think it was the Pirates because it sounded like a cannon...although gunpowder was invented in Asia, so it could have been anyone. Anyway, it was chaos. Full fledge Ninja Pirate fight. I quickly grabbed the corpse of the Pirate I had been riding next to and hid under him. I know, sounds cowardly, but I'd like to see you jump in feet first to a battle between Ninja and Pirates.

It was bloody and fierce. The Ninja's were gaining the upper hand when suddenly the bus stopped. Not a crash into something stop like I was expecting for the last 10 minutes, just a normal stop. At a bus stop. What was going on??? I peaked over the corpse, I called him Stiffy, in time to see the dead bus driver stand up.

She wasn't dead at all. Apperently she had just nodded off. Now that she was awake though, she was pissed. She started saying something about "messing up her bus", and "respect for elders". Her teeth were sliding around in her mouth, plus all the Ninja Pirate fighting was making a lot of noise so I couldn't catch it all.

What I did catch was the sight of her, from out of nowhere, whipping out 2 Berretta 9mm, and doing an amazing Chow Yun Fat impersonation. The Pirates were dropping like flys, but a lot of the Ninjas were able to get away. They just threw down some smoke bombs and disappeared.

When the smoke cleared, the driver shuffled back to her seat. A homeless man made his way on the bus before she could close the door. He sat in the front and started talking to himself. It made me feel safe.

A couple blocks later, I came out from under Stiffy and pulled the cord. She stopped. I got off.

Needless to say, I will never ride the 666 again.

Flip Flap

Today for the first time I was justified in one of my obsessive tendencies. Actually, I’m not saying I’m right to do it, just that now I’m glad I do it.

I’m not alone in this freakish habit. Everybody does it….well not everybody…but enough that most of you will know what I’m talking about.

You know when you put a letter in the big blue mail box. You pull done the flap, slide the letter in and let the flap flip back. Then you do it . You don’t know why, but you do it.

See where I'm going with this....

YOU PULL THE FLAP BACK OPEN!

You know the letter went down. You heard it. I always hear it. I know it didn’t get caught on any edges or cliffs or branches. I know that tiny people that live in the box didn’t grab it and toss it back up so my letter doesn’t get picked up.

But I look anyway.

I can’t help it. You can’t help it. It’s part of the mystery of human behavior that I think is right up there with always laughing at a fart. Only the Aliens that created us (Intelligent Design, right?) know for sure.

Anyway, today I was justified. I went to mail a check (part of my job as an accountant, it’s a thing we do), and when I opened the mail box there was a letter on the flap. It was stuck to the inside of the fucking flap. Now, it took me a while to walk up to the box so I know there had been nobody there for at least 45 seconds. That’s a long time. If you don’t believe me, count it out. I’ll wait.

See, long time.

It was as if I had found the Holy Grail…resting on the Lost Ark…which was the pot of a poker game being played by Jimmy Hoffa, Amelia Earhart, a Unicorn and Bigfoot (By the way, Bigfoot won with two pair, queens high. Hoffa just tossed his cards down and left in a huff…that’s so him).

I looked around for some one to share this shocking revelation with. Nobody. Of course not. Whenever you make the find of the century there’s never anybody there to witness it so you can corroborate your story. Oh well.

I flipped the flap. The letter slid down. I checked. Then I put my letter in and I flipped that flap like there was no tomorrow. Ten felt like a safe amount of flips. And like that (poof) it was gone.

Time Flies

Wow, has it really been over 5 months since my last post? I guess it has. Well stay tuned, be casue there is going to be some great things added to this Blog.

What, you ask?

Surprise guests! Breaking news stories! Games, prizes, and even a petting zoo if everything works out.

Basically, this will be the best Blog anybody in my house has ever made.

Intelligent Design

Ms. Cross: OK class, today, in an effort expand your education, we are going to be studying a new topic, intelligent design. Now, intelligent design is a different theory on where humans came from and is considered an alternative to Darwinism. It basically states that human beings are far to complex to have evolved from apes. It believes that there was a higher power involved in our creation.

Billy: So where does intelligent design say we came from?

Ms. Cross: Well Billy, Intelligent Design, or ID for short, says that a higher power created two people, a man and a woman, and we evolved from them.

Sally: Isn’t that creationism?

Ms. Cross: Oh no, Sally Creationism and ID are to very different theories. Creationism is based in religion, while ID is clearly based in science. Although it would be hard to prove either theories wrong.

Sally: How are they different?

Ms. Cross: Well for one, the names are different, one is Creationism, and the other is Intelligent Design. Second, Creationism says that God created Adam and Eve, while ID states that a “Supreme Being” created Adam and Eve.

Tommy: In both they’re named Adam and Eve?

Ms. Cross: I will admit there are some similarities.

Sally: Why do we have to learn ID? I thought Darwinism was a world wide excepted theory?

Ms. Cross: My Sally you do have a lot of questions today. To answer your question, no, Darwinism isn’t a widely excepted theory.

Billy: Yes it is.

Ms. Cross: No Billy, it’s not.

Billy: But it says right here in my text book, “Darwinism is the cornerstone theory on the evolution of man and…”

Ms Cross: Billy, enough. Bring that book to my desk and then head straight to the principles office. Now, Darwinism is riddled with holes and that is why we need to look at alternative theories of the creation of man.

Sally: What kind of holes?

Ms. Cross: Well, the biggest hole is the fact that we EVOLVED from apes. I mean really, to think that we have anything in common with those lowly beasts seems to be the work of science fiction.

Sally: Does ID have any holes?

Ms. Cross: Oh of course dear, but those holes are filling in very quickly as we study the source material more carefully.

Sally: Source material?

Ms. Cross: Yes Sally, ancient scriptures that practically tells us the whole thing.

Sally: Scripture? You mean the bible?

Ms. Cross: To some, it is a bible, yes if you want to call it that.

Sally: What other sources?

Ms. Cross: Do you really need any more sources then that? Now, enough introductions, lets begin. In the beginning, the “Supreme Being” created Adam and Eve. They had two sons, Cain and Abel. Then Cain killed Abel. He was then banished and got married. Yes Sally?

Sally: Who did he marry? Where did this woman come from?

Ms. Cross: We don’t know, but we suspect the “Supreme Being” had something to do with it. Or some say she came from Adam and Eve.

Tommy: Dude, if we all came from the same couple of dudes, does that mean we are like inbred and stuff?

Sally: He’s got a point, that would be gross.

Ms Cross: Tommy, Sally, go to the principles office. You have no right to bad mouth ID.

BELL RINGS

Ms Cross: That’s all for today class. Tomorrow we will talk about why Muslims hate our freedoms.

Need Sleepy….

I am so tired; I have no business sitting at my computer writing this right now. I guess I just feel guilty for having started this blog and not doing shit for it. So here I am, out of shear will power writing this. The reason I’m so tired? I have a baby. If you don’t have a child you probably think I’m a pussy, but if you are with child, you are probably nodding knowingly at the screen. Kids can wear you out man.

So anywho…what’s in the news today? I guess there are a lot of things. My wife has been obsessed with the Scott Petterson case. So maybe I’ll talk about that. She’s been following it from the beginning because she was pregnant the same time Laci was so I guess it hit close to home for her.

I just think that it’s strange that it’s gotten so big. Not to sound cold, but she wasn’t the first pregnant woman to be murdered. In fact, there was a pregnant woman who went missing around the exact same time Laci did. That story probably popped up on the news all of twice. Yet here we are, and where is she? He’s been found guilty, and you would have thought we found WMD’s in Iraq. I mean come on; does this really impact our lives one bit? It’s like watching a Lifetime channel movie in real time.

Poor, unattractive people get murdered left and right in this country and this guy is a monster for killing an attractive person? All killers are monsters; we just need to pay attention more to what’s going on. Now, I’m not defending him, he was found guilty, and he should get what’s coming to him. I just think it’s a sad state of affairs when one case that isn’t very unique is front page news…at least it was front page news here in San Francisco.

Does it have staying power because he maintains his innocence? That guy in Utah killed his wife and admitted it, boom, hardly ever hear about that any more. That Washington Intern who was killed a few years back. Front page news when they thought the Congress man did it. Then they found her body, and evidence that he couldn’t have done it. Everybody lost interest. It’s amazing what grabs our attention.

Personally, I was obsessed with that case of the stone Ten Commandments in the court house rotunda. I just couldn’t believe the granite balls on that judge. Seriously, he brings self righteousness to a whole new level.

The irony of the Petterson trail to me is now the right-to-lifers have a little bit more to hang their hats on. If Scott gets death, that could be one step closer to a ban on abortion. This case would set a precedent , and already has. They are screaming for his death because he killed the unborn baby (by the way, as a father, I can’t even come close to even fathoming how anyone could do that to their own child. My mind just refuses to comprehend that), but last I checked the bible didn’t say, “Thou shalt not kill…unless they are judged by a jury of their peers to be deemed unfit to live in society.” Come on people you can’t have it both ways. I say fry the fucker, but I’m pro-choice. These right-to-lifers should be fighting for Scott Pettersons life, right? They are PRO-LIFE, right?

There’s an anti-abortionist living in Washington DC these days who has been known, in his Texas days, to throw a switch or two or two hundred. Can you say hypocrite boys and girls? I knew that you could. Although, I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt, he could have meant he was anti-aborigine. Watch out Australia.

Sorry about the down under tangent, I told you I was sleepy.

-Warren

Why oh why?!?

Oh dear lord, what have I done? I have become one of those retarded bloggers (not that I’ve actually become mentally retarded, I mean my IQ is too high to qualify me as mentally retarded…I think…I hope). Great, started off on the wrong foot…sorry, let’s start over.

Hi! I’m Warren, and I have things to say so I’m important and everybody who reads this has to listen. Of course, by everybody I mean nobody. Nobody will read this and that is just fine with me. Just the basic IDEA of putting my thoughts out there, even though nobody will see it, is strangely satisfying. Just in writing these first few sentences I can see the appeal of blogging.

There are a couple of reasons I started this. A) I’m a writer(ignore all spelling and punctuation mistakes, I do), and I thought that a mental dump every once in a while would be good to get some of the juices flowing. Dumps feel good, right? So a dump in public should feel better, right? Right? I should probably work on my logic skills. Reason 2) is the election that just happened. It pissed me off, and I needed a place to vent. I won’t vent everything right now, why waste all my material, but I need to put the thoughts somewhere as they land on my mental hard drive.

So I guess this blog really is to just be used as a sort of burn station so I can take my thoughts off my mental hard drive. I need to make room for my Simpson quotes and Baseball stats. I’ve got my priorities.

-Warren