Get on the Bus
The following was an e-mail I wrote to a group of friends (about 30 in the yahoogroup). A couple of friends had been sharing exciting bus adventures they had. I decided to turn it up a notch. It makes me laugh…
Sent 8/19/05:
Dude, that's nothing compared to my ride on the bus last week.
It was after dark last Tuesday and I was trying to hop the number 27. Instead the 666 rolled up. I usually don't like riding the 666, but I was already late for dinner with Liz, and I needed to hurry.
Bad call.
The driver was a sweet old lady. I mean old. She was 100 if she was a day. I showed her my bus pass which I'm sure she couldn't see through her cataracts. It hurt MY eyes just to watch her blink. I turned to find a seat and nearly crapped my pants. On the left side of the bus, Ninjas. On the right, Pirates. Shit! This is why I don't take the 666. These two natural enemies...in one spot...this couldn't end well. The way they were eyeing each other...something was going to go down
At the time I didn't stop think about how odd the situation was, but looking back it doesn't make sense. Ninjas usually are very stealthy, arriving somewhere on a bus doesn't seem to be the best way to get the drop on some one. For a pirate, a bus just seems to land locked. Like I said though, my mind was on surviving.
I took a seat next to a crusty looking pirate who was past out drunk. The jug in his lap was a dead give away. The iPod he was listening to was so loud I could hear the sea chanteys. After about a block, I realized he wasn't passed out. He was dead. The throwing star in his neck was what tipped me off. At this point I decided to call Liz and tell her I would be late.
Then it happened.
The driver died. She slumped forward on the steering wheel and leaned on the accelerator.
So there I was. Sitting on an out of control bus, next to a dead guy, and in between a Ninja Pirate stand off. I thought about jumping up and taking the wheel. Then I remembered the first rule of Ninja Pirate stand offs.... don’t take the wheel. It's like blood in the water for sharks.
Anyway,we all sat there, motionless, staring each other down. Yes, I admit it, I joined the stare down. I thought about reading the paper, but I decided I didn't want to stand out. I picked a smaller looking Ninja who was missing an arm...seemed like a safe bet.
I don't know who struck first. I think it was the Pirates because it sounded like a cannon...although gunpowder was invented in Asia, so it could have been anyone. Anyway, it was chaos. Full fledge Ninja Pirate fight. I quickly grabbed the corpse of the Pirate I had been riding next to and hid under him. I know, sounds cowardly, but I'd like to see you jump in feet first to a battle between Ninja and Pirates.
It was bloody and fierce. The Ninja's were gaining the upper hand when suddenly the bus stopped. Not a crash into something stop like I was expecting for the last 10 minutes, just a normal stop. At a bus stop. What was going on??? I peaked over the corpse, I called him Stiffy, in time to see the dead bus driver stand up.
She wasn't dead at all. Apperently she had just nodded off. Now that she was awake though, she was pissed. She started saying something about "messing up her bus", and "respect for elders". Her teeth were sliding around in her mouth, plus all the Ninja Pirate fighting was making a lot of noise so I couldn't catch it all.
What I did catch was the sight of her, from out of nowhere, whipping out 2 Berretta 9mm, and doing an amazing Chow Yun Fat impersonation. The Pirates were dropping like flys, but a lot of the Ninjas were able to get away. They just threw down some smoke bombs and disappeared.
When the smoke cleared, the driver shuffled back to her seat. A homeless man made his way on the bus before she could close the door. He sat in the front and started talking to himself. It made me feel safe.
A couple blocks later, I came out from under Stiffy and pulled the cord. She stopped. I got off.
Needless to say, I will never ride the 666 again.
Sent 8/19/05:
Dude, that's nothing compared to my ride on the bus last week.
It was after dark last Tuesday and I was trying to hop the number 27. Instead the 666 rolled up. I usually don't like riding the 666, but I was already late for dinner with Liz, and I needed to hurry.
Bad call.
The driver was a sweet old lady. I mean old. She was 100 if she was a day. I showed her my bus pass which I'm sure she couldn't see through her cataracts. It hurt MY eyes just to watch her blink. I turned to find a seat and nearly crapped my pants. On the left side of the bus, Ninjas. On the right, Pirates. Shit! This is why I don't take the 666. These two natural enemies...in one spot...this couldn't end well. The way they were eyeing each other...something was going to go down
At the time I didn't stop think about how odd the situation was, but looking back it doesn't make sense. Ninjas usually are very stealthy, arriving somewhere on a bus doesn't seem to be the best way to get the drop on some one. For a pirate, a bus just seems to land locked. Like I said though, my mind was on surviving.
I took a seat next to a crusty looking pirate who was past out drunk. The jug in his lap was a dead give away. The iPod he was listening to was so loud I could hear the sea chanteys. After about a block, I realized he wasn't passed out. He was dead. The throwing star in his neck was what tipped me off. At this point I decided to call Liz and tell her I would be late.
Then it happened.
The driver died. She slumped forward on the steering wheel and leaned on the accelerator.
So there I was. Sitting on an out of control bus, next to a dead guy, and in between a Ninja Pirate stand off. I thought about jumping up and taking the wheel. Then I remembered the first rule of Ninja Pirate stand offs.... don’t take the wheel. It's like blood in the water for sharks.
Anyway,we all sat there, motionless, staring each other down. Yes, I admit it, I joined the stare down. I thought about reading the paper, but I decided I didn't want to stand out. I picked a smaller looking Ninja who was missing an arm...seemed like a safe bet.
I don't know who struck first. I think it was the Pirates because it sounded like a cannon...although gunpowder was invented in Asia, so it could have been anyone. Anyway, it was chaos. Full fledge Ninja Pirate fight. I quickly grabbed the corpse of the Pirate I had been riding next to and hid under him. I know, sounds cowardly, but I'd like to see you jump in feet first to a battle between Ninja and Pirates.
It was bloody and fierce. The Ninja's were gaining the upper hand when suddenly the bus stopped. Not a crash into something stop like I was expecting for the last 10 minutes, just a normal stop. At a bus stop. What was going on??? I peaked over the corpse, I called him Stiffy, in time to see the dead bus driver stand up.
She wasn't dead at all. Apperently she had just nodded off. Now that she was awake though, she was pissed. She started saying something about "messing up her bus", and "respect for elders". Her teeth were sliding around in her mouth, plus all the Ninja Pirate fighting was making a lot of noise so I couldn't catch it all.
What I did catch was the sight of her, from out of nowhere, whipping out 2 Berretta 9mm, and doing an amazing Chow Yun Fat impersonation. The Pirates were dropping like flys, but a lot of the Ninjas were able to get away. They just threw down some smoke bombs and disappeared.
When the smoke cleared, the driver shuffled back to her seat. A homeless man made his way on the bus before she could close the door. He sat in the front and started talking to himself. It made me feel safe.
A couple blocks later, I came out from under Stiffy and pulled the cord. She stopped. I got off.
Needless to say, I will never ride the 666 again.
posted by Warren at 6:14 PM
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